“It’s about half the size it was when it went in!”

The Great British Bake-Off has rapidly incorporated itself into the British zeitgeist. Never with such vigour have Brits, old and young, embraced a baking show so enthusiastically before where baking-related sexual innuendos, Paul Hollywood constantly looking like he’s turned on, and talk of soggy bottoms are rife. “It’s all in the wrist action,” Mary Berry coos. “Some of them have got a good forking.”

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Size matters

Mary Berry, who is essentially a glorified fossil wearing a Per Una blouse, will return to our screens tonight with self-confessed sausage roll fiend Paul Hollywood and national treasures/presenting duo Mel and Sue. Although Sue’s girlfriend Anna Richardson is off presenting Channel 4’s Naked Attraction, she’s not the only one indulging in innuendos; GBBO is weirdly filthier.

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Of course he is, the filthy minx

Mary Berry herself is often the perpetrator of the innuendos. “She keeps telling me I have a nice crack” one worried contestant says, as he tends to his madeira cake. She even violates the innocence of pitta bread: “I worked my little fingers in.” These wheaty pockets will NEVER be the same again. Obviously the hilarity of this 81 year old woman saying she “better have a banana for lunch” after tasting Paul’s cream horn is proving popular; nearly 15 million people watched Nadiya storm to victory last year, and the show’s frenzied following is only growing and strengthening – like, say, a biscuit structure, which Paul says should be “quite rigid, but something that will taste good too.”

And so, as the BBC effortlessly pornographise a seemingly innocent Victoria sponge or mushroom vol-au-vent, we accept the filth with enthusiasm and almost burst with joy whenever the contestants are told to “get those lady’s fingers soggy.” We’re set for ten weeks of brand new, bumblingly British humour, and Wednesday nights have never been so exciting.

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